just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
