if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
