I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
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