You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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