and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
