"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I checked into jail on foursquare
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
