There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Someone signed my nipple.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
