well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
