Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
