do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My vagina just clenched in fear
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