Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We need a shit load of segways right now
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
