you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
