There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
