I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
