Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
