Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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