Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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