wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
