We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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