Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
