Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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