What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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