oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
