Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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