her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
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