I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
