so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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