turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
