i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
