ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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