took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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