my room smells like sperm. sweet.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
