Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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