You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
