these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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