i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize