I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
