youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
