Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
