Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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