She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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