They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i love accidental penises.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
