my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
