just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
