Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
