so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
