When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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