If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
