porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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