I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm passing your future prison.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I will be naked everywhere
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
