So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
