the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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