Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!"Â, then passed out on the couch.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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