Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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