The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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