I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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