i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
