i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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