i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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