i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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