ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
