Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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