Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
