can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
