What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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