Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
