I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
