1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
